The Best of the Worst

Heavy Metal Youth!

Let's count down the best of the worst side characters whose storyline's either pained or amused us!

Please note: This is purely for fun and nothing against the actors, only a critique of the characters.

11. Evelyn Marsh & Malcolm

Plot: Evelyn and her sinister brother Malcolm plot to frame James Hurley for the murder of Evelyn's rich husband Jeffrey. However they fail. Malcolm is shot by Evelyn and Evelyn is left to stew in her guilt.

What Made it So Bad: Aside from the nauseating dialogue and the silly seduction of James, Evelyn and Malcolm's presence in Twin Peaks was not only useless to the overall story, it failed to offer much in the way of entertainment.

The Verdict: The show probably would have been better without this storyline.

10. Blackie's sister Nancy

Plot: Nancy conspires with Jean Renault to kidnap Audrey for ransom and overthrow her sister, Blackie, as queen of One Eyed Jacks. She ultimately fails and gets knocked out by Dale Cooper.

What Made it So Bad: Blackie wasn't terribly likable herself, but in comparison Nancy was about as shrill as nails on a chalk board.

The Verdict: She was just "meat on a hook" to Jean and equally as lifeless to the fans!

9. Thomas Eckhardt

Plot: Thomas' obsession with Josie drove him to plot the murder of his one-time friend and Josie's husband, Andrew Packard. Despite Josie's aid, Thomas ultimately failed and Andrew got his revenge.

What Made it So Bad: He was another victim of hammy dialogue. Although his assistant, the lovely Brenda Strong aka Seinfeld's Sue Ellen Mischke, was mildly interesting, this storyline ultimately fell flat. Not too mention it sent poor Josie to her death trapped in a wooden doorknob.

The Verdict: Aside from offering some back story on Josie and her troubled origin, Thomas probably should have stayed in Hong Kong!

8. Vivian Niles aka M.T. Wentz

Plot: Vivian comes to town to supposedly see her daughter Norma Jennings and introduce Norma to her new step father, Ernie Niles. However she ultimately reveals herself to be the famous food critic, M.T. Wentz. She poorly review's the food at Norma's Double R diner. This forces Norma to kick her mother to the curb once and for all.

What Made it So Bad: Vivian's extreme lack of personality was only surpassed by the cold and condescending way she addressed our beloved Norma Jennings.

The Verdict: Ernie Niles should have come to town alone.

7. Little Nicky

Plot: Little Nicky was a foster child that Dick Tremayne took under his wing to impress Lucy. However he becomes suspicious of Little Nicky's creepy demeanor and enlists Andy's help to determine whether or not Little Nicky killed his biological parents. However it turns out that Little Nicky was innocent and just a victim of tragic circumstance.

What Made it So Bad: Despite a few laughs along the way, Little Nicky's storyline proved to be a real waste of time. Thankfully it wrapped up quickly and Dick was able to focus on more important things like hosting the Twin Peaks charity fashion show in honor of The Little Pine Wiesel.

The Verdict: Little Nicky would have been better left in foster care with Molly Shannon!

6. John Justice Wheeler

Plot: John comes to town to help Ben Horne with a business deal and to teach Ben how to be a good person. However he can't help but fall in love with Ben's beautiful and much younger daughter, Audrey Horne. Oddly Audrey falls for him as well and allows John to take her virginity on his plane before he flies off into Twin Peaks history.

What Made it So Bad: In addition to wearing some of the most hideous sweaters ever woven, John's annoying double speak and cliche' attempt to be irreverent mostly served as filler folly. Not to mention wasting the lovely Audrey's time when she should have been hanging out with Dale Cooper.

The Verdict: Billy Zane is no doubt a handsome man, but this character left a lot to be desired.  

5. Lana Milford

Plot: Lana marries the elderly Dougie Milford, who is Mayor Milford's brother, but becomes windowed on her wedding night when Dougie suffers a heart attack. Mayor Milford at first accuses Lana of killing Dougie with sex/witch craft, only to later recant his words and fall in love with her himself. Lana also had an effect on men in general and often found herself the center of male attention.

What Made it So Bad: Despite Lana's cute face and perky figure, her twangy voice and clown hair often made it hard to understand what all the fuss was about.

The Verdict: Her storyline did offer a fair amount of amusing moments with Mayor Milford so perhaps a little less airtime would have worked better for the show overall.

4. Emory Battis

Plot: Emory is the manager at Horne's Department store who recruits girls from the perfume counter to "work" at One Eyed Jacks. He also likes to be tied up and blind folded. In addition to having his toe nails painted while listening to women run the vacuum. Audrey gets the better of him and exposes his dirty deeds, but not before Emory lends his aid to Jean Renault in Audrey's drug fueled kidnapping. Emory ultimately gets shot and killed by Jean Renault.

What Made it So Bad: Emory's slimy nervous manner was often uncomfortable to watch. Plus his mistreatment of Audrey was very unlikable.

The Verdict: Jean Renault did us all a favor when he shot Emory for hitting Audrey, but who could forget those toes?

3. Cousin Jonathan/Mr. Lee

Plot: He was introduced by Josie to some as her cousin Jonathan and to others as her assistant Mr. Lee, but he was definitely an employee of Thomas Eckhardt. Mr. Lee came to Twin Peaks to return Josie to Thomas upon completion of her assignment to defraud the Packard family. In addition to giving Hank Jennings a much deserved ass whooping. However Josie managed to escape him and ultimately killed him off camera.

What Made it So Bad: Between the his cold leering behavior toward Josie and his tendency toward violence, Mr. Lee/Cousin Jonathan wasn't very appealing. His only good point was that he tuned Harry into Josie's lies.

The Verdict: Josie was nothing but trouble for everyone!

2. Ernie Niles

Plot: Ernie comes to Twin Peaks as a reformed con man who is now the new husband of Norma's mother, Vivian. However he quickly gets involved with his old prison buddy, Hank Jennings, and finds himself in the middle of nefarious drugs deals with Jean Renault. Ernie manages to redeem himself, despite his chronic nervous condition super hyperhidrosis, by working with Dale, Agent Bryson and Sheriff Truman to stop Jean Renault.

What Made it So Bad: Honestly not much. Ernie was pretty funny and despite his questionable morals he was fairly lovable.

The Verdict: Sweaty or not, Ernie Niles was a fun side character, who's storyline worked well with the show's humor!

1. Agent Denise Bryson

Plot: Agent Bryson of the DEA comes to Twin Peaks to investigate allegations being made against Dale Cooper. As a former colleague of Dale's known as Dennis Bryson, it comes as quite a shock to Dale when Dennis arrives in women's clothing and introduces himself as Denise. Agent Bryson also takes a awkward shine to Sheriff Truman. He ultimately proves himself a hero during the Dead Dog Farm hostage situation when he dresses as a waitress from the Double R diner. Denise distracts Jean Renault just long enough to slip a gun to Dale Cooper via his stocking!

What Made it So Bad: I would say there wasn't anything bad about it. It was definitely over the top, but it's arguably one of the best comedic subplots in Season 2.

The Verdict: David Duchovny in drag = comedy gold!

That's all folks! Did I miss anyone?

Like me on Facebook here ---> TP Facebook Page

Follow me on Twitter @twinpeaksblog